As a facilitator, few things cause more anxiety for my clients than the specter of “bad behaviors” in meetings. We’ve all been there: the dominant talker, the silent observer, the off-topic tangents that derail progress. These behaviors can feel like insurmountable obstacles, leaving everyone frustrated and deflated. But what if I told you that most of these “bad behaviors” aren’t about inherently bad people, but rather about unmet needs and unaddressed root causes?
Over the years, I’ve learned a powerful truth: when you address the underlying causes, bad behaviors in meetings diminish—or even evaporate entirely.
It’s easy to label someone as “difficult” when they’re interrupting, disengaging, or rambling. Yet, in my experience, people are fantastic and often have no idea when stress or deep passion leads them into these “bad behaviors.” They also naturally connect ideas, which can lead to tangents and stories that aren’t necessarily relevant. And let’s not forget the “elephants in the room”—those unspoken feelings or tensions that can cause people to say and do things they might regret, much like a heated family dinner.
I’ve been there myself, getting so caught up in a story that I’ve lost my way. A skilled facilitator can gently but firmly bring you back. I also recall a meeting where a major “elephant” hung heavy in the air, creating palpable hostility. By simply calling it out and allowing everyone to process it, the tension melted. People discovered they had more in common than they thought, and the meeting became incredibly successful. These experiences highlight why we need to look beyond the surface and understand the root causes.
The Root Causes of Meeting Mayhem
Lack of Self-Awareness (Participant & Facilitator)
Every person in a meeting brings their own unique set of triggers and comfort zones. As a facilitator, it’s crucial to understand what pushes your buttons and what overextends your personality. Why? Because when you’re reacting to disruptive behaviors instead of thoughtfully responding, you’re less effective.
Think about it: When you react, you’re often focused on the content, perhaps defending a point or celebrating it. You’re likely not truly listening, just waiting for your turn to speak. When you respond, you pause, ask more questions, and take the time to formulate replies that genuinely move the meeting forward. In the heat of the moment, people are often just waiting for someone to take a breath to get their next word in. Good facilitation slows down this process, giving everyone time to reflect before they answer. Similarly, participants might unknowingly exhibit “bad behaviors” when they’re pushed past their own limits.
People Don’t Feel Heard
Whether it manifests as someone completely disengaging (checking devices, side conversations) or someone dominating the conversation, a common thread is the feeling of not being heard. People often have a point they desperately want to make, and they will try to make it—either through withdrawal (abstention) or through excessive vocalization. If people are on their devices, it’s a strong signal the meeting isn’t designed to be truly participatory.
To ensure people feel heard:
Make eye contact and use open body language.
Repeat the last three words a participant said to show you’re actively listening.
Thank someone for their participation, not just for the answer they provided. This validates their contribution regardless of the content.
Use round robins for warm-up questions or icebreakers to get everyone comfortable talking and listening from the start.
Fear of Emotions
Let’s face it, emotions can be messy, especially in a professional setting. Both facilitators and participants can be scared of emotions, which can lead to suppression, passive-aggression, or explosive outbursts when feelings finally erupt. Creating a safe space for emotions (within professional boundaries) is critical for authentic engagement. My experience with “the elephant in the room” showed me the incredible power of acknowledging these unspoken feelings; it diminished hostility and fostered connection.
Poor Meeting Preparation & Lack of Clear Purpose
This is a big one. Bad behaviors frequently pop up when a meeting isn’t designed for a clear purpose. Defining the Rational Aim or objective of your meeting is paramount. It acts as a lifeline for the facilitator to gently guide conversations back on track. When someone veers off-topic, you have the perfect response: “That’s a great point, let’s make a note of it and dive in after we’ve addressed our current topic.”
Consider the difference:
Instead of: “We are here to talk about the situation we had yesterday.”
Try: “We are here to determine what happened yesterday and what we can learn from it.”
Instead of: “We are here to talk about the upcoming event.”
Try: “We are here to define the objectives of next week’s event.”
Instead of: “We are here to talk about the project.”
Try: “We are here to determine the key objectives of the project.”
Sometimes, determining the focus of a meeting might seem arbitrary, especially for teams that work closely together. However, facilitators and participants who don’t zero in on a clear purpose leave the door open for purpose creep. When the purpose isn’t well-defined, conversations can scatter in multiple directions, leaving everyone confused, frustrated, and stressed. And as we learned, when people are overextended, they can easily lean into the less-than-ideal versions of themselves, leading to “bad behaviors.”
The Solution: Solid Facilitation Techniques
The good news is that the vast majority—easily 80% to 90%—of “bad behaviors” can be alleviated using solid facilitation techniques for meeting development and management. People won’t engage in processes not made for their engagement. If your meeting isn’t designed to be participatory, with activities lasting 15-20 minutes that keep brains active, people will distract themselves. This is why facilitation techniques are so crucial—they keep people talking, thinking, and actively involved, which also minimizes side conversations.
Here’s how:
Utilize Proven Methods: Frameworks like the ToP Focused Conversation Method or the Consensus Workshop Method provide structure and guardrails, keeping participants focused on the task at hand. These methods often incorporate “task bursts” and structured movement from individual reflection to small group discussion to large group synthesis. This gives both the quietest and the most vocal participants ample opportunity to contribute, all while staying focused on the immediate instruction.
Define Your Rational Aim: Before any meeting, work with your team to clearly define the meeting’s objective. What do you hope to achieve by the end? This shared understanding creates a powerful anchor for the discussion.
Agree on a Method: Don’t just define the “what,” define the “how.” By agreeing on a framework to manage the meeting (whether it’s a Focused Conversation, a Consensus Workshop, or another method), everyone knows what to expect and how to participate effectively.
Remember, people are not bad behaviors. Situations create opportunities for human beings to become overextended and lean into those overextended versions of themselves. By proactively addressing the root causes and implementing robust facilitation practices, you can transform your meetings from dreaded obligations into dynamic, productive collaborations.
Ready to transform your meetings from chaos to clarity? Explore the power of skilled facilitation and discover how you can foster environments where everyone thrives.
